STOP!!

To the Idiot who nearly ran me over today,

When I was crossing the road outside Nando's restaurant I assumed that it was safe to cross the second part as there were no cars approaching the junction, how wrong I was. Thank you for the reminder that the DVLA doesn't use an IQ test as standard in the driving exam.

Yes I was cross and I shouted but please understand, If you carried on driving on THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD someone could be dead, including ME. Your excuse there were no markings on the road is a load of balls, because here in the UK we drive on THE LEFT, but of course who could forget the following statement "I've never been to bedford before" If that truly is the case surely you should be paying more attention to the road.

Yours sincerly

The man you tried to kill

Teenagers..

I'm not sure if I have already made it clear, But I am now working in a clothing retailers, It's not exciting work but it's work all the same and I intend to appreciate every minute of it. Unlike some of my new found colleagues..  
Increasingly I find myself over hearing conversations such as

Manager: "what are you doing?" 
Teenage employee: "oh I need something to do.."
Manager? "Why don't you put that stock out?"
T.E: "No. I always refuse to do Menswear"

Seriously? I don't get it, my brain refuses to believe that someone would be so dense as to cut off an entire section of a store just because (and I quote) "I don't like it". To illustrate my confusion here's my contribution to the conversation

"bu..? why..? fhe..?"

I have a vague recollection of what it was like to hate work, but after being unemployed for several months I found myself getting bored of being bored, and 'apparently' the microwave can only take so much punishment and experimentation before it also wants to leave the house, But now when I get tired from working gives me an enormous sense of well being and satisfaction.

Someone was telling me I'm losing my touch with young people, but I'm inclined to believe there an idiot too.

P.S Check out my new background! isn't it groovy?

Party Idiots

Id like to confess something, Im not as confident as I claim most of the time. Yes I look like a movie-star and act cool but would you belive that under the devillish good looks and fancy banter is a small worried child? Nope didn't think so and you'd be right. putting aside my lack of modesty and actually getting to the point I find alot of people nowadays don't seem to understand how to socialise, I've noticed 2 types #1 The shy and #2 the Idiot.


Now we have all seen the shy, and I'm very familiar with the behaviour, sits in the corner, doesnt approach anyone and NEVER dances and often leaves feeling neglected and unwanted because nobody has bothered to talk to them, of course the obvious solution is to try and approach other people, but more often then not this effort is halted by the 2nd type. The Idiot.


The Idiot is a self-absorbed nobody, concerned only with making friends with people who they belive will raise their social status, symptoms include uninterested one word answers to your questions, no reciprication, minimal eye contact and a dead tone (like the phone left off the hook).


Now I speak to all the shy's out there when I say, if you are at a party and you discover your talking to an idiot, leave, LEAVE NOW! Find someone interesting to talk to, find a fellow shy and try and bring them out of their shell, become the person you want to talk to you. Those actions prove you are better then Idiots. Take solace in that fact. I know I have

Your  fellow shy.
Dan

P.S I'm now on Google+, you can find me as Dan Hillman.

Heeeeeeeeelys!

Yes, I wear heelys. Now I don't usually tell people outright, usually I like to walk past them, then when I get into their peripheral vision lean back and whiz past, stopping just in time for them to question reality. I'm told it looks Erie, strange and physics defying. My favorite experience was in a supermarket, the wife was buying, I was heelying around like a child diagnosed with ADHD, I passed a middle aged man shopping with his wife, poor bloke looked bored to tears, until he saw me. Of course his initial reaction at the "floating stranger" was a double take, followed by a confused look and puzzled stalking. On the walk back past him I concealed the presence of the wheels he stared at me shoes, then at me. I smiled and resumed taking expensive things out of my wife's trolley. I'm still not sure if the man knows what actually happened, but at least I made his day more exciting.

Absolutely Busting

Happened to me today, and quite literally pee's me off.
I walk in a petrol station and talk to the counter girl:
Me: "Do you have a loo?"

Counter girl: "No"

Me: "Well, where do you go while your on
shift?"

C.G: "In the staff loo"

Me: "Sooo you do have a loo? Can I use it please?"

C.G: "NO! It'a for staff only"

Me: "Listen jobsworth, think about this logically I need to pee. It's your loo or your floor, Now I know how to flush a chain, but I don't know where you keep your mop"

C.G: "just round the corner there..."

C'mon people, get a grip! It's a freaking loo.

Complimentions

There is a very clear difference between my wife Becky and myself, Becky has a lovely ability of seeing the best in everyone, something you will no doubt have noticed I lack and  I'd be lying if I said it didn't cause some complications. The biggest being how I want my ashes disposed of when I die. I have given Becky very specific instructions. I will give her a list of people and I would like her to take my urn of ashes round to each one take a handful of ash and throw it in each persons face, then point and laugh. Becky refuses to do what I feel is a very reasonable request. Instead she suggested baking a cake for everyone.

Harsh Realisations.

Reenactment of the first time this happened.



Art work and idea refinement kindly dontated by Frank.
you can find his blogs here http://retrievalfailurefmemorydump.blogspot.com/
and here http://usedmemorysleapdepository.blogspot.com/