Experts Guide to Idiocy

Slugs aren't the losers of the gastropod world.

2012-02-25T15:42:00.000-08:00

Another great comic strip from My good friend and music comrade Fraser Van Norton over at Mind Hummus.
This one is about the mystical life cycle of gastropods.

Cognitive Bias

2012-02-22T14:18:00.000-08:00

Now when it comes to an interesting point I find it hard not to talk about it, I find it helps me remember the thought and explaining it to someone else serves to better understand it, however it never ceases to amaze me how some people react to things I tell them.

Recently I have been reading about cognitive bias, a brief description of cognitive bias is : a pattern of deviation in judgement that happens in certain situations leading to irrationality.

I'm not going to go into it too much as Wikipedia is just over the page, but I was talking to an acquittance about this phenomenon to which she replied "I don't have any of those."

I love irony and I am just speechless at this statement as I'm certain that the denial of having any cognitive bias could in itself be a cognitive bias.

Thank you Irony.

Disco Dan

2012-02-09T04:23:00.000-08:00

I just recently re-discovered this old GIF my brother in law Frank made about three years ago.

You can find Franks blog here : http://franksdailydoodle.tumblr.com/

Gothams over dependence.

2012-01-23T05:38:00.000-08:00

I employed the artistic talents of my good friend and band-mate Fraser for this accurate representation of how molly coddled Commissioner Gordon from the Batman franchise is. (If you don't know who Commissioner Gordon is you probably need to stay in more)

For more Poke fun making, sneaky grins and humour that doesn't have that strange earthy taste visit Fraser's blog over at : http://mindhummus.blogspot.com/

ME!

2012-01-18T11:07:00.000-08:00

I decided this post would be a little more about me why I started this blog and what it's for.

I'm Dan, Yes you probably knew that. I'm 25 I've been married for 5 years (6 in June) to a wonderful enduring wife, Becky. I am not neuro-typical, I'm generally described as weird and I embrace it.
I tend to think too much about life and like to keep it simple and honest, I think people make life difficult for themselves too often by complicating little things like "how many x's did he put on the end of the text he sent you?" and "well I won't say sorry until they do". Life is hard enough with work, illness and family to worry about things you have no control over and as for not saying sorry WHY NOT? admitting mistakes and encouraging peace make you a much better person and by far more in control over situations then anyone else.
Life is about self respect not self esteem, yes there is a difference. You earn self respect through action, self esteem is what you expect others to think of you, which as I mentioned before you have no control over.

This blog is dedicated to the little things I notice which I think don't seem to make sense in life and yes I will be moaning so more (with some silly posts in-between) I hope you have enjoyed it so far and continue to do so.

Do you agree with my post?
What does Life mean to you?

Alien a nation

2012-01-09T13:52:00.000-08:00

For the first few weeks I found it a little difficult to settle into my new workplace, Its Nothing to do with the actual work more to do with people. PEOPLE are difficult. The difficulties arose more in the break-room.
I am not used to keeping my mouth shut I like to be honest and make sure people know exactly where I stand on issues. One particular situation reared up when I revealed to co-workers I don't watch T.V "But.. I couldn't live without Television! What do you do?" One colleague retorted, I replied that that reaction is common and it almost seems like an addiction, I may point out that here ends the politeness and logic of the conversation.
This simple comment had upset everyone in the room, One colleague stormed out with the phrase "Alcohol and Drugs are addictions!" followed by another co-worker sprouting the unwittingly reinforcing statement "Saying T.V is an addiction is like saying drinking water and eating food is an addiction"
The end statement screamed out to me like a lonely Mars bar left on a bench still in its wrapper and once again I couldn't contain my disbelief "Are you comparing T.V to a fundamental necessity for human life?"
I didn't get answer, nor win any friends. Back to the Internets for me.

Hazey New Year

2012-01-03T14:00:00.000-08:00

Ok so I have Sciatica, It painful. It is not fun. Actually scrap that it IS fun, well the painkillers are anyway. They put me into a daze which is nice for relaxing and pain relief but not so good when my work manager wants to do a performance review (I just marked myself down as excellent, seemed to work too). Another problem is while I still have the general opinion that idiocy reigns free over the world I can't articulate myself well enough to reason what is actually annoying me. henceforth most of the holiday period and the start of this week has been spent in a state of quiet mild annoyance and listlessness, so goodbye any hope of creativity.
so today, Im an idiot.

First Voice Post

2011-12-24T14:39:00.000-08:00

Experts Guide to Idiocy First Post by Expertsguidetoidiocy

Bad for Nothing.

2011-12-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

Becky surprised me last Thursday with some tickets to see the band 'Yellowcard!' It was brilliant, we took the train to London earlier in the day so we could have a walk around, I met a sole busker playing a Djemebe

oooh your the sweetness

I listened to him play for a while and readied some change for his hat, as I was placing the money I started chatting to him about the drum explaining I had one at home though not as big as his (yes I had djemebe envy) and he asked if I would like to play it, I honestly couldn't even try to turn him down and with the exception of the gig it was the greatest moment of my week. This is why I love the busking community no airs, no graces, just music that you could actually join in with if you wanted. And so it leads me to the gig, or more pointedly one of the supporting acts : 'The Wonder Years' don't get me wrong I have respect for their ability to play instruments and musical talent but, they are Idiots, here's why :

Lead Singer : OK this song is about when the world expects something from you, but you don't have it in you to do it! Lets rock!

Teenage Fan-boys : WOW he knows exactly how we feel!

WHAT? what on earth does that even mean? You can't live up to expectations? Your not good enough to even try?

Basically the whole message of this song is "I have no ability" thats depressing, and if it truely is the case you only have yourself to blame.

Lazy Bums

If you say 'gullible' slowly, it sounds like 'oranges'...

2011-11-25T07:46:00.001-08:00

As a small child I was a rather rambunctious, not a problem child, just full of energy and very active. My brother and I were obsessed with the movie "Home Alone" we would spend hours trying to simulate the 'traps'.

One particular solo attempt was me tying one end of a string of wool to the curtain rail and the other to the bottom of the welsh dresser, standing on a chair armed with a coat hanger I prepared for my descent.
At that minute my uncle walked into the room with a puzzled look "does your Dad let you do that?" He quizzed. "....yes" I hurriedly replied. So he, shrugged and WALKED AWAY! I couldn't belive my luck, fortunately I realised the tautness of the wool wouldn't hold my weight and I abandoned the project.
As pleased as I was at the time I can't help but shake my head in disbelief now when I think back.
So I put the question to you :

What crazy things did you get away with as a kid?

Guest 20th November 2011 - Abstract Structure to Live Art (Deconstruction Festival)

2011-11-20T14:01:00.000-08:00

Hi guys Dans Brother in Law Frank Here.

His let me guest as Ive started one of these Flipping Blogs. So far Ive done about 10 days straight of posting daily abstract doodles. Heres my guest version of my doodle blog for the 20th November 2011.

The blogs about everything really although I'm hoping to breach the subject of my degenerative eye condition RP as time goes. In a decade or two it will render me legally blind so it may be a way of dealing, but its not all doom and gloom its an Optimistic blog by nature.

If anyone would like to guest for a post they'd be totally welcomehttp://www.franksdailydoodle.blogspot.com

Was really pleased with this Doodle, Its loosely based on a doodle I did stood in a corner at a live gig.

The gig was in Luton and it was called Deconstruction Festival. Experimental band, after experimental band, with wavs and waves of the Improvised beautiful Noise. So I found a perch on a Armchair and drew the whole 8 hours with breaks of course. My lines where controlled by the flow of the music and this is what I created to the Band 'Coldstream' found here on Myspace

I think its down to the Aspergers, I go into a state of hyper focus which can go on for hours. Beep and Hiss akimbo the music, music for people who like there music to go out there, way out there.

I enjoyed the whole day immensely, Lost in the Doodle until the early Hours of the Morning with no worries or Cares, I think it was when I truly discovered how Calming the Doodle could be.

Heres some of the doodles so far...

Thanks for Looking,

Come over and Tell me about what you like to do art to, and what , music makes your creative juices go wild?

- Frank 20-11-11

Share? I have a better idea..

2011-11-10T08:23:00.001-08:00

When I was about 16, I had a problem with sharing I tended to 'over-react' when someone asked me to share. One day in the park I had a whole share bag of malteasers to myself and a small boy asked me for one. Instead of just saying "No" I decided to scream "WELL HAVE THEM ALL THEN" and throw the bag at the poor kids face.

Now I realised that kind of behaviour (I'd do it to everyone) wasn't acceptable and wanted to be able to offer people things but still found it difficult when people said yes. Luckily I found a loophole in the system and I'm going to share it with you now.
I refined my palate to like things that not many people like E.G : Iron Bru, Liqourice and peppermint tea, rainbow drops and liqourice and blackcurrant sweets. Funnily enough now when I offer people these things I don't mind if they say yes..

Daylight Savings Time

2011-11-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, It's that time of year again! As I'm sure most of you know ; here in the UK we change our clocks twice a year, An hour forward in the spring, (Spring forward) and an hour back in the autumn (Fall back). We get reminders and a lot of technology does it automatically (Mobile Phones and Laptops Etc. )
So when the clocks change why oh why do I hear people saying "it's 6 o clock but it's really 5" referring to the previous day. The frequency of this is disturbingly high, people don't seem to be able to let go, like it's to their advantage to remember, when in reality it's just time consuming and trivial.
I'd hate to see these people in another time-zone "OK I'm in china and it's 1am so really its 5pm"

2011-10-31T02:56:00.000-07:00

I apologise for the lack of content right now, Been a bit busy with family things. I should have seen it coming seeing how things were seemingly going well for a change, but apparently there is no such thing as common sense and idiocy runs rampart evermore.
This image pretty much sums up my mood right now

Cynicism Recharging 80%
I'll have something funny up in a few days.
Dan

Guest Post by My Wife Rebecca 'In The Mix'

2011-10-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

My work is not just work...

in fact its a slice of perfect cake :-)

I have the unequalled privilege of being a 'Play Worker'

This so called job, as the title denotes simply translates into 40 hour a weeks worth of play...which in turn equals fun...which astonishingly then amounts to work!

One of my fondest most gleeful experiences has been during one of my many cooking activity sessions I frequently run with children. Now the following has happened not once, or twice but on countless occasions...

true story!

Most the children in my care are between the ages of 2 - 8 years. We endeavor to encourage independence in our sessions, and not to take charge of a child's efforts too much and the finished product isn't all that important...its the having fun whilst learning experience that counts. Regardless of age or ability I guarantee the outcome may be the same as follows in many a young kids cooking class...

me: "right Sam can you read out the ingredients needed to bake carrot muffins?"

Sam: "yes it says flour...blah blah blah"

me: "yes check, we have all the needed ingredients. So who would like to crack the eggs?"

Tom: "me, me, me I've done this like a thousand times with mummy at home...properly"

(bear in mind Tom is 3 and a half years of age)

Then I hesitantly handed Tom the egg watching in anticipation...

then to my surprise Tom lifted the egg and with all the grace of a prima ballerina he very gently tapped the egg against the side of the mixing bowl, he seemed astounded it had not cracked! He gave it another tap, as careful as before and yet again he looked almost disappointed that it had not cracked. Then to my surprise faster then I could say "have another go Tom" he had closed his eyes so tightly shut, he drew in a breath of a deep sea diver and then he instantly crushed the egg in the palm of his hand...and watched with the wildest crazed smile as shell, egg white and yolk proceeded to run very slowly down his arm into his sleeve.

The other children looked in amazement...and with that one look they began to laugh in amazement. To conclude its fair to say there we're lots of eggs cracked in such a way that day, and all the children had done it a thousand times before with their mummies...properly :-)

STOP!!

2011-10-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

To the Idiot who nearly ran me over today,

When I was crossing the road outside Nando's restaurant I assumed that it was safe to cross the second part as there were no cars approaching the junction, how wrong I was. Thank you for the reminder that the DVLA doesn't use an IQ test as standard in the driving exam.

Yes I was cross and I shouted but please understand, If you carried on driving on THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD someone could be dead, including ME. Your excuse there were no markings on the road is a load of balls, because here in the UK we drive on THE LEFT, but of course who could forget the following statement "I've never been to bedford before" If that truly is the case surely you should be paying more attention to the road.

Yours sincerly

The man you tried to kill

Teenagers..

2011-10-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I have already made it clear, But I am now working in a clothing retailers, It's not exciting work but it's work all the same and I intend to appreciate every minute of it. Unlike some of my new found colleagues..
Increasingly I find myself over hearing conversations such as

Manager: "what are you doing?"
Teenage employee: "oh I need something to do.."
Manager? "Why don't you put that stock out?"
T.E: "No. I always refuse to do Menswear"

Seriously? I don't get it, my brain refuses to believe that someone would be so dense as to cut off an entire section of a store just because (and I quote) "I don't like it". To illustrate my confusion here's my contribution to the conversation

"bu..? why..? fhe..?"

I have a vague recollection of what it was like to hate work, but after being unemployed for several months I found myself getting bored of being bored, and 'apparently' the microwave can only take so much punishment and experimentation before it also wants to leave the house, But now when I get tired from working gives me an enormous sense of well being and satisfaction.

Someone was telling me I'm losing my touch with young people, but I'm inclined to believe there an idiot too.

P.S Check out my new background! isn't it groovy?

Party Idiots

2011-10-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

Id like to confess something, Im not as confident as I claim most of the time. Yes I look like a movie-star and act cool but would you belive that under the devillish good looks and fancy banter is a small worried child? Nope didn't think so and you'd be right. putting aside my lack of modesty and actually getting to the point I find alot of people nowadays don't seem to understand how to socialise, I've noticed 2 types #1 The shy and #2 the Idiot.

Now we have all seen the shy, and I'm very familiar with the behaviour, sits in the corner, doesnt approach anyone and NEVER dances and often leaves feeling neglected and unwanted because nobody has bothered to talk to them, of course the obvious solution is to try and approach other people, but more often then not this effort is halted by the 2nd type. The Idiot.

The Idiot is a self-absorbed nobody, concerned only with making friends with people who they belive will raise their social status, symptoms include uninterested one word answers to your questions, no reciprication, minimal eye contact and a dead tone (like the phone left off the hook).

Now I speak to all the shy's out there when I say, if you are at a party and you discover your talking to an idiot, leave, LEAVE NOW! Find someone interesting to talk to, find a fellow shy and try and bring them out of their shell, become the person you want to talk to you. Those actions prove you are better then Idiots. Take solace in that fact. I know I have

Your fellow shy.
Dan

P.S I'm now on Google+, you can find me as Dan Hillman.

Heeeeeeeeelys!

2011-09-26T15:38:00.000-07:00

Yes, I wear heelys. Now I don't usually tell people outright, usually I like to walk past them, then when I get into their peripheral vision lean back and whiz past, stopping just in time for them to question reality. I'm told it looks Erie, strange and physics defying. My favorite experience was in a supermarket, the wife was buying, I was heelying around like a child diagnosed with ADHD, I passed a middle aged man shopping with his wife, poor bloke looked bored to tears, until he saw me. Of course his initial reaction at the "floating stranger" was a double take, followed by a confused look and puzzled stalking. On the walk back past him I concealed the presence of the wheels he stared at me shoes, then at me. I smiled and resumed taking expensive things out of my wife's trolley. I'm still not sure if the man knows what actually happened, but at least I made his day more exciting.

Absolutely Busting

2011-09-20T15:38:00.001-07:00

Happened to me today, and quite literally pee's me off.
I walk in a petrol station and talk to the counter girl:
Me: "Do you have a loo?"

Counter girl: "No"

Me: "Well, where do you go while your on
shift?"

C.G: "In the staff loo"

Me: "Sooo you do have a loo? Can I use it please?"

C.G: "NO! It'a for staff only"

Me: "Listen jobsworth, think about this logically I need to pee. It's your loo or your floor, Now I know how to flush a chain, but I don't know where you keep your mop"

C.G: "just round the corner there..."

C'mon people, get a grip! It's a freaking loo.

Complimentions

2011-09-15T02:51:00.001-07:00

There is a very clear difference between my wife Becky and myself, Becky has a lovely ability of seeing the best in everyone, something you will no doubt have noticed I lack and I'd be lying if I said it didn't cause some complications. The biggest being how I want my ashes disposed of when I die. I have given Becky very specific instructions. I will give her a list of people and I would like her to take my urn of ashes round to each one take a handful of ash and throw it in each persons face, then point and laugh. Becky refuses to do what I feel is a very reasonable request. Instead she suggested baking a cake for everyone.

Harsh Realisations.

2011-09-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

Reenactment of the first time this happened.

Art work and idea refinement kindly dontated by Frank.
you can find his blogs here http://retrievalfailurefmemorydump.blogspot.com/
and here http://usedmemorysleapdepository.blogspot.com/

Five things I (probably) should not have said. Now with context!

2011-09-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

#1 First thing I said to an old friend I hadn't seen for 5 years : "That mustache doesn't really suit you does it?"

#2 To a lady walking past me in the high street with a blue streak in her otherwise white hair : "Did you go to sleep with your head on a biro or something?"

#3 Waiting to get off the train in the middle of a group of women : "What consitiutes an emergency? because sometimes women have makeup emergencies."

#4 Walking out of the disabled toilet in mc donalds : "THAT WAS A DELICIOUS POO!"

#5 To a customer who I don't like asking if I am having a bad day : "No, I just don't like you"

Alien Music

2011-09-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

I have been doing some temp recently for some friends of mine, these friends are 20 years older then me and so is the music they listen to on the way to work. It's a funny situation, as they put the music on and look at me smiling, almost willing to alienate me musically, funny thing is it doesn't. I'll admit I havent heard most of the stuff they play but as a musician I listen to alot of different types of music and I enjoy almost all of them. I think they get disappointed when I start singing along to Duran Duran, so in the spirit of alienation I've decided to take a few CDs to work with me, namely Stiletto Formal and Coheed & Cambria. You never know though they might sing along...

What happens in a Toilet cubicle...

2011-08-27T12:18:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure I understand cubicle grafitti, I can understand wanting to express your feelings about someone or something down in writing, after all I am blogging, the problem I have is, how many people have seen grafitti that actually corresponds to them? or even to someone they know? Even if you did how would you know who wrote it?
Thats the beauty of using a cubicle, Complete Annonomity, anything that happens in a cubicle stays in the cubicle nothing can be attributed to you, no sounds, no smell, no disconcerting stain on the ceiling. The closest anyone can actually discover is if you are a man or woman, and even then it’s touch and go.

A True Idiot.

2011-08-27T12:15:00.001-07:00

Has anyone else been following the Michael Todd story in the news? for anyone not aware, Michael Todd was the bass guitarist for the prog rock band Coheed and Cambria he also has risen to a new level of Idiocy. Mr Todd decided to hold up a pharmacy for narcotics in the same city he was due to be playing a gig in a few hours later, Was he wearing a mask? Pffft who needs a mask when your a famous rock star? unsurprisingly he was arrested prior to the gig. He subsequently posted bail for $25,000.
I understand he is an addict and it was brought to my attention that the syptoms of going cold turkey are very similar to the flu, so the question arises “Had Todd run out of his ‘medication’ and was he simply trying to stay lucid enough to play the gig?”
Now I’m a big fan of irony, I see it everywhere, Its almost an obsession, though I don’t consciously search for it. But if a famous rock star can post $25,000 for robbing a pharmacy, why did he need to rob the pharmacy?

A well rounded opinion Update.

2011-08-15T10:38:00.000-07:00

Is this all really necessary?
"Phones 4U!!" Phones for me? What really? Are you sure? Because I thought mobile phone shops only sold you a phone if it was a present for someone else... Wow, maybe that's changed.. But hang on, you said PhoneS 4 me, I already have one.. I'm not sure how many I can actually handle at once.

Ooh look! Pets at home!... I thought this was a shop? Honestly where else am I going to keep a pet? Oh I know! In the wild!... But then.. It won't be mine any more.. at least no more mine then the tree I adopted last year in the New Forest

This is a great magazine, oh cool! Look it has a "Cut out and keep" section, because usually I just throw the whole thing away and pulp it.

C'mon people lets get real

A well rounded opinion

2011-08-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

It occurs to me recently that the whole world is just lying for no reason, I'm not going to moan about politics, believe me that's something I want to keep this blog free of after discovering how many people I (in)advertanly upset. No what I want to bring to your attention is advertising, I know it's everywhere and I accept that, what I can't accept is everyone seems blind to the blatant lying, It's not even clever. A poster in the video rental store in the next town tells me they have abolished 'late fees' and will now only charge you £1 for each extra night you keep it, Ahem excuse me? Isn't that a fee? For the DVD being returned LATER then originally planned?

Another thing is 'Music' shops, as a percussionist I often phone different out of town stores to see if it's worth checking it out, 9 out 10 times Ill get the reply "Oh we only sell guitars" Shouldn't you be called Guitar store then? Thats what I want to say but I said I wasn't going to upset anyone so I'm using it as an excuse to start shopping online.

Avid Research

2011-08-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

Been working in a Cambridge College this week, there quite studious....

Narnia!

2011-08-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have a problem.. It's a strange one so I'll start from the beginning. When my wife and I first moved into our current residence, we noticed a cupboard on the shared landing that none of the keys provided to us would open, after enquiring my neighbors about the mystery storage room it became apparent that the tenet directly below me had changed the lock to ensure it was 'His'. Confused and mildly intrigued I asked my downstairs neighbor about the key for the cupboard, so we could use it to store our pushbikes in, All I got was a sheepish explanation and a new chain to 'secure' them to the banister. Also the mystery cupboard has revealed it's true nature, judging from the smell emanating from under the door and the shufflings I hear when I pass, It's a gateway to a psychedelic world.

YOUR A WIZARD!

2011-07-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

Returning home from the car one evening the wife and I overheard a man shouting at someone YOUR A F*&£ING WIZARD! The protagonists were hidden by a bush and they sounded angry, so I didn't investigate, thus I employed the talents Gail Weiss to illustrate it for you.

This is the reimagining of that situation I overheard from behind a bush.
Thanks to Gail for her time and effort I hope you all enjoy it as much I do. If
you'd like to see more of Gails fantastic funny drawings you can find her blog here :
http://the-meme-diary.blogspot.com/

Check the Cheque.

2011-07-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

Why do people have a strange unwavering obediance to rules that we dont quite understand, for fear we will be marked as stupid, Surely I am not alone in the idea that the "traditon" of when writing a cheque one must write ONLY after writing the amount of monies is unnecessary? I wouldn't be suprised if it had been tried before but Im quite confident that no bank will honour a cheque written as thus : Seven pounds and one thousand pounds.

Here's a nice transcript to relay another problem
(house phone rings)

Me: (answering the phone) Hello?
Company Moron : Can I speak with Mrs ****** please?
Me : Who is calling please?
CM: Idiots limited Can we talk to Mrs ****** please?
Me : Speaking
CM : ......... um.. MRS, ******?
Me : Yes, Can I help you?

I do it in my normal voice too.
I do this to highlight a point, Not revealing information to the customers husband does not make you 'safe'.

A T.V is for life, not just for christmas.

2011-07-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

My day yesterday was semi eventful, it was not exciting though I do feel a particular event will reveal some useful information.
firstly for the people in this audience not familiar with T.V licensing allow me to explain : Here in the U.K the BBC is partially funded by a licensing fee which at this time of print is £145.50 per year, Unfortunately the T.V license authority would allow you to believe that this fee applies to you just for the ownership of a television set. well I can reassure you, It doesn't. In fact the licensing fee applies only to LIVE programming on your set mobile phone or PC. So using "catch up" services online such as BBC iplayer are not covered and therefore free to anyone.
After becoming unemployed I cancelled my T.V license and tuned out the programming and within a month I received numerous letters warning me of the fine I would receive if when they called round my T.V was found to be tuned in to programming.
Yesterday mid morning I heard a knock at my door answering it the man revealed himself to be from T.V licensing and showed me his I.D. Another little known fact is unless I invite him in, he will need a warrant, but as tempted as I was to slam the door in his face, I wanted to end the stream of harassment coming through my mail. He turned on my T.V, flicked around, saw no programming and left satisfied I don't need a license.
Feeling rather elated later on that I had won (and proved people wrong while doing nothing) I celebrated by watching BBC iplayer.

Bored games!

2011-07-08T10:35:00.000-07:00

Me and my brother having fun, think he had more fun the I did.

Say CHEESE!

2011-07-06T08:08:00.000-07:00

While I'd be the first to admit I like a good ironic moan I am a believer in staying proactively happy, So sit back and enjoy this Ironing. Sure we all get grumpy at times it's our nature, but I can't stand when people live in a cloud of impenetrable grouch. I recently met one such person whose chosen profession is to drive public transport, I immediately recognised the symptoms : Uncaring eyes, down turned mouth and the words 'No change given' written on his jumper. Deciding that trying to talk to this man directly could affect my physical health I sat close to the drivers cab and recalled some information. A common known fact is smiling uses less muscles then frowning but a less common known fact is the more you frown the more likely you can cause your facial muscles to become weakened and permanently take a 'down-mouth' position. Of course there is a simple solution, Smiling! Something that the bus driver could have learned, if he hadn't been to busy shouting.

Cyber Scare Tactics

2011-07-03T05:01:00.000-07:00

At one point in our social networking lives we have all wondered about deleting our online presence, A couple of years ago I had decided enough was enough and sat down to delete my page. I logged on and after a lengthy search I found the seemingly 'hidden' link to deactivate my account, This link immediately sent me to a questionnaire asking "why had I chosen to leave" I selected the "I don't find this website useful" option. I think this upset the website as it went on to retaliate, "perhaps you'd find it more useful if you had more friends" Now I'm not a technophobe, but it does scare me a little when a website starts calling me a loser. In fact it scares me so much I reactivated my account.

Productive Time Wasting

2011-06-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

Something that I'm sure anyone who is reading this post has done in the past is fill out an application form. Therefore I'm sure you all understand my mental pain and sheer frustration at having to fill out these stenographic spawn of the devil. I don't understand who makes these and what purpose they actually serve, often is the case in an interview where it becomes apparent the company is interviewing anyone that gave in a form or the interviewers haven't read it and know nothing about you, in fact in one interview my interviewer raised a page and it was revealed to me that the form can't be that important, as someone had written a shopping list on the back. And every single one is different but at the same time want the same information, I've lost count of how many I have completed (and how many I have ripped up using my teeth in a fit of blind anger) but it's enough to make me start filling them out "creatively".

Only Joking!

2011-06-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me how seriously some people take life. I suppose its really the fact of how many people I end up upsetting, This might be down to the fact I often make jokes that are really just for me (often out of annoyance). Sometimes people will be minding there own business and I'll just be inappropriate, for instance : Yesterday I narrowly averted a punch in the face, after asking the rather heavy set woman in the queue behind me, if the list tattooed on her upper arm was actually her weekly shopping list (turns out they were the names of her children). Other times I think they are seemingly deserving of my sarcasm Eg : To a middle aged businessman on the train using his blackberry to update his facebook "Who do you think your kidding buddy?" And lastly the poor fool who wanders into my path like a deer who mistakes an 18 wheeler for a friend, who starts telling me all the features on his wife's new wheelchair "What are you trying to do? Sell it to me?"

THE SHOES!!

2011-06-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Like most women my wife loves shoes. Now I do understand the woman's mentality of "ooh nice shoes" I am of the mind that shoes should be quality, and nice looking. But this is where I think I and many men differ from that attitude. Yes shoes should hold those attributes but they should also be comfortable! Unfortunately sometimes my beloved buys cheap flat "ballerina" shoes that cut her feet into oblivion as she walks out of the shop. I would much rather her spend a good amount on practical shoes then spend £3 on crap shoes and have to shell out another £4 on plasters. I wont waste any more time trying to understand the sadomasochistic cult of high heels but I do wonder if there is a grant to discover if blood stains come out of high end shoe material.

10 Reasons I hate Urinals.

2011-06-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

#1 : Everyone can see your bits.

#2 : You can see everyone else's bits.

#3 : *censored*

#4 : They stink

#5 : I'm pretty sure ladies would never use them

#6 : I dont have one at home.

#7 : Those blue 'cake' thingys

#8 : They flush themselves, often at inconveiniant times.

#9 : Did I mention they stink?

#10 : They are postioned at waist height AKA Splash City

PRISON!

2011-06-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

OK I am going to talk about prison but that heading might have been a been a bit over the top, while I am going to relate my experience don't get too excited I wasn't actually serving time it was just a visit.
My father is a prison officer and years back when I was young he would sometimes bring myself and my younger brother to work with him. While he was busy working, about three or four men would watch and play games with my brother and I. Now it wasn't until I was around 18 years old the realisation struck me like a paper airplane hitting the nose of an unsuspecting churchgoer that : "Those men were.. prisoners!" since that time it has been revealed to me that the men who looked after us were under life sentences and had been giving "jobs" as porters within the prison and trustworthy. What amazes me the most when I think of how the general prisoner is perceived is the advice these men would give myself and my sibling, things like "Don't ever smoke kid" and "Always listen to your mum and dad" and it makes me wonder perhaps the justice system does work.. a bit.

You can't please everyone

2011-06-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Shopping is a varied experiance for me. Alone I can whiz round and pickup what I need, but with others I end up wandering the aisles like an unimpressed appariton. And as I tend to have a problem with the English queue mentality I dont really go in shops to 'browse'. Of course It helps if I can anticipate the situation (try shopping on sunday). When the queue is huge everyone suddenly gets defensive about there place and how slowly the people ahead are being, thats when I turn on what I like to call 'what's the hurry mode', oftens the case at this point I'll get ushered in front by sweet elderly ladies doing there weekly shopping, but to maintain the principle that everyone should just calm down I always turn down the offer usually saying "It's ok, Im not in a rush" which causes them to turn around slightly annoyed and just adds to the melting pot of GET ME OUT OF HERE. Therefore I will now resort to emotionless self service tills, whats the worst that could happen?

It's always nice to be wanted.

2011-06-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

As the blog post suggests It's always nice to feel wanted, of course being wanted has different connotations it could lead to a state of mild annoyance as I recently discovered. This week I have made a multipurpose trip to my hometown. First of all to visit my family and second good solid band practice. coincidentally a musician approached me and asked me if I could join his band (based in my hometown) as percussion. To let him down gently I explained "I couldn't commit to his band as I cant get here as much as I would like" as he persisted I continued to explain "I don't have very much performing experience" undeterred and oblivious to my hinting he revealed they were desperate, slightly leaking my frustration I replied "I only play with people I LIKE..." I admit it was harsh, but at least I solved my harassment problem.

Zombies!

2011-05-24T03:23:00.000-07:00

Id like to tell you about my phobias, they are a bit weird but I think that reflects the concept of "phobia" especially specific phobias. Specific phobias are defined as a persistant or unreasonable fear of an object, situation or the anticipation of these things. I suffer from aerophobia (fear of flying) which I think is quite normal but then things get weird. I also suffer from bananaphobia (fear of bananas) I cannot watch anyone eat a banana or eat anything banana related myself, and the last one I suffer from Kinemortophobia (fear of the undead/zombies) sometimes in the dead of night I wake up and have the unrational idea that there may be zombies on the landing, lets take a minute because I know this is going to sound bad.. but the only way I can get back to sleep is to wake up my wife and ask her to check but my reasoning is : If she can help me get over my gamophobia then she can help me with this!

Things to do when your unemployed #1

2011-05-21T06:14:00.000-07:00

I've found an interesting thing to do when your unemployed and sitting at home. Take the batteries out all your cell powered appliances in your house/flat (remote controls, game console controllers, radon detectors etc) and check the little power bar. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner after all someone took the time to design a battery that you check the remaining power of so why not use it, unless there is an easier way of finding out when your batteries are empty...

Interview!

2011-05-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

Well things are certainly starting to look up! After showering the local towns with my C.V. only this week I was suprised when I sudddenly received a phone call from a prospective employer to set up an interview whilst riding as a passenger in a car that I never remember being that loud before. After putting the phone down and massaging my ear a little it brought a smile to my face and bad interview jokes to mind, I'm sure it's going to be fun.....

Unemployed!

2011-05-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

I'm unemployed so not suprisingly I find myself with alot of time on my hands and while I'm trying to fill it constructively its not easy. Back when I still had a job I weaned my self off my caffine dependancy so now there is nothing to blame my irritability on, I've started to think maybe I should spend this time of inertness to restart the dependance by starting a line of caffine based treats, E.G : Sweet Coffee Bread (you've got to start with the basics), Latte Jelly (I've already tried this and it works), Coffee Popcorn (thank you F) and if I remain unemployed for long enough Coffee Dress Shirts (it's a dress shirt with a plastic lining that you can fill with coffee). I don't have a brand name yet but like I said "I have plenty of time on my hands"

*blog update* Tried the coffee dress shirt.... maybe i shouldn't have used boiling coffee... time to break out the sudacream