Monday, 26 September 2011


Yes, I wear heelys. Now I don't usually tell people outright, usually I like to walk past them, then when I get into their peripheral vision lean back and whiz past, stopping just in time for them to question reality. I'm told it looks Erie, strange and physics defying. My favorite experience was in a supermarket, the wife was buying, I was heelying around like a child diagnosed with ADHD, I passed a middle aged man shopping with his wife, poor bloke looked bored to tears, until he saw me. Of course his initial reaction at the "floating stranger" was a double take, followed by a confused look and puzzled stalking. On the walk back past him I concealed the presence of the wheels he stared at me shoes, then at me. I smiled and resumed taking expensive things out of my wife's trolley. I'm still not sure if the man knows what actually happened, but at least I made his day more exciting.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Absolutely Busting

Happened to me today, and quite literally pee's me off.
I walk in a petrol station and talk to the counter girl:
Me: "Do you have a loo?"

Counter girl: "No"

Me: "Well, where do you go while your on

C.G: "In the staff loo"

Me: "Sooo you do have a loo? Can I use it please?"

C.G: "NO! It'a for staff only"

Me: "Listen jobsworth, think about this logically I need to pee. It's your loo or your floor, Now I know how to flush a chain, but I don't know where you keep your mop"

C.G: "just round the corner there..."

C'mon people, get a grip! It's a freaking loo.

Thursday, 15 September 2011


There is a very clear difference between my wife Becky and myself, Becky has a lovely ability of seeing the best in everyone, something you will no doubt have noticed I lack and  I'd be lying if I said it didn't cause some complications. The biggest being how I want my ashes disposed of when I die. I have given Becky very specific instructions. I will give her a list of people and I would like her to take my urn of ashes round to each one take a handful of ash and throw it in each persons face, then point and laugh. Becky refuses to do what I feel is a very reasonable request. Instead she suggested baking a cake for everyone.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Harsh Realisations.

Reenactment of the first time this happened.

Art work and idea refinement kindly dontated by Frank.
you can find his blogs here
and here

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Five things I (probably) should not have said. Now with context!

#1 First thing I said to an old friend I hadn't seen for 5 years :  "That mustache doesn't really suit you does it?"

#2 To a lady walking past me in the high street with a blue streak in her otherwise white hair : "Did you go to sleep with your head on  a biro or something?"

#3 Waiting to get off the train in the middle of a group of women : "What consitiutes an emergency? because sometimes women have makeup emergencies."

#4 Walking out of the disabled toilet in mc donalds : "THAT WAS A DELICIOUS POO!"

#5 To a customer who I don't like asking if I am having a bad day : "No, I just don't like you"

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Alien Music

I have been doing some temp recently for some friends of mine, these friends are 20 years older then me and so is the music they listen to on the way to work. It's a funny situation, as they put the music on and look at me smiling, almost willing to alienate me musically, funny thing is it doesn't. I'll admit I havent heard most of the stuff they play but as a musician I listen to alot of different types of music and I enjoy almost all of them. I think they get disappointed when I start singing along to Duran Duran, so in the spirit of alienation I've decided to take a few CDs to work with me, namely Stiletto Formal and Coheed & Cambria. You never know though they might sing along...