Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Productive Time Wasting

Something that I'm sure anyone who is reading this post has done in the past is fill out an application form. Therefore I'm sure you all understand my mental pain and sheer frustration at having to fill out these stenographic spawn of the devil. I don't understand who makes these and what purpose they actually serve, often is the case in an interview where it becomes apparent the company is interviewing anyone that gave in a form or the interviewers haven't read it and know nothing about you, in fact in one interview my interviewer raised a page and it was revealed to me that the form can't be that important, as someone had written a shopping list on the back. And every single one is different but at the same time want the same information, I've lost count of how many I have completed (and how many I have ripped up using my teeth in a fit of blind anger) but it's enough to make me start filling them out "creatively".

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Only Joking!

It always amazes me how seriously some people take life. I suppose its really the fact of how many people I end up upsetting, This might be down to the fact I often make jokes that are really just for me (often out of annoyance). Sometimes people will be minding there own business and I'll just be inappropriate, for instance : Yesterday I narrowly averted a punch in the face, after asking the rather heavy set woman in the queue behind me, if the list tattooed on her upper arm was actually her weekly shopping list (turns out they were the names of her children). Other times I think they are seemingly deserving of my sarcasm Eg : To a middle aged businessman on the train using his blackberry to update his facebook "Who do you think your kidding buddy?" And lastly the poor fool who wanders into my path like a deer who mistakes an 18 wheeler for a friend, who starts telling me all the features on his wife's new wheelchair "What are you trying to do? Sell it to me?"

Friday, 17 June 2011


Like most women my wife loves shoes. Now I do understand the woman's mentality of "ooh nice shoes" I am of the mind that shoes should be quality, and nice looking. But this is where I think I and many men differ from that attitude. Yes shoes should hold those attributes but they should also be comfortable! Unfortunately sometimes my beloved buys cheap flat "ballerina" shoes that cut her feet into oblivion as she walks out of the shop. I would much rather her spend a good amount on practical shoes then spend £3 on crap shoes and have to shell out another £4 on plasters. I wont waste any more time trying to understand the sadomasochistic cult of high heels but I do wonder if there is a grant to discover if blood stains come out of high end shoe material.

10 Reasons I hate Urinals.

#1 : Everyone can see your bits.

#2 : You can see everyone else's bits.

#3 : *censored*

#4 : They stink

#5 : I'm pretty sure ladies would never use them

#6 : I dont have one at home.

#7 : Those blue 'cake' thingys

#8 : They flush themselves, often at inconveiniant times.

#9 : Did I mention they stink?

#10 : They are postioned at waist height AKA Splash City

Sunday, 12 June 2011


OK I am going to talk about prison but that heading might have been a been a bit over the top, while I am going to relate my experience don't get too excited I wasn't actually serving time it was just a visit.
My father is a prison officer and years back when I was young he would sometimes bring myself and my younger brother to work with him. While he was busy working, about three or four men would watch and play games with my brother and I. Now it wasn't until I was around 18 years old the realisation struck me like a paper airplane hitting the nose of an unsuspecting churchgoer that : "Those men were.. prisoners!" since that time it has been revealed to me that the men who looked after us were under life sentences and had been giving "jobs" as porters within the prison and trustworthy. What amazes me the most when I think of how the general prisoner is perceived is the advice these men would give myself and my sibling, things like "Don't ever smoke kid" and "Always listen to your mum and dad" and it makes me wonder perhaps the justice system does work.. a bit.

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

You can't please everyone

Shopping is a varied experiance for me. Alone I can whiz round and pickup what I need, but with others I end up wandering the aisles like an unimpressed appariton. And as I tend to have a problem with the English queue mentality I dont really go in shops to 'browse'. Of course It helps if I can anticipate the situation (try shopping on sunday). When the queue is huge everyone suddenly gets defensive about there place and how slowly the people ahead are being, thats when I turn on what I like to call 'what's the hurry mode', oftens the case at this point I'll get ushered in front by sweet elderly ladies doing there weekly shopping, but to maintain the principle that everyone should just calm down I always turn down the offer usually saying "It's ok, Im not in a rush" which causes them to turn around slightly annoyed and just adds to the melting pot of GET ME OUT OF HERE. Therefore I will now resort to emotionless self service tills, whats the worst that could happen?

Thursday, 2 June 2011

It's always nice to be wanted.

As the blog post suggests It's always nice to feel wanted, of course being wanted has different connotations it could lead to a state of mild annoyance as I recently discovered. This week I have made a multipurpose trip to my hometown. First of all to visit my family and second good solid band practice. coincidentally a musician approached me and asked me if I could join his band (based in my hometown) as percussion. To let him down gently I explained "I couldn't commit to his band as I cant get here as much as I would like" as he persisted I continued to explain "I don't have very much performing experience" undeterred and oblivious to my hinting he revealed they were desperate, slightly leaking my frustration I replied "I only play with people I LIKE..." I admit it was harsh, but at least I solved my harassment problem.